A lion was getting married..at his wedding was a mouse shouting away..and congratulating the lion,"all the best my brother...good luck.." seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother...
another lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks"who the hell do you think you are" how can a lion be your brother ... "you are only a mouse"The mouse replies"I was also a lion before i got married''...
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must
immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a
direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the
misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent
from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him
to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether
or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a
backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and
"Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
******
A young private sought permission from his
Commanding Officer to leave camp the following
weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and
tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again
with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said,
"Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered.
Of course you can have the week-end off."
When the same soldier appeared again the third week,
however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your
wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes Sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."
"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply.
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered
*******
God was in the process of creating the universe.
And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.
Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.I have blessed them with prosperity and money.But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....
And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature.But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.
And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests.But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests...So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.
One of the angels asked..."God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?"
God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA",My most precious creation.It has understanding and friendly People.
Sparkling streams and serene mountains.A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....
The angel was quite surprised:"But god you said everything should be in balance."
God replied -- "Look at the neighbours I gave them."
*******
[1] IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE AGAINST HER WILL, IS IT
CONSIDERED RAPE OR SHOPLIFTING?
[2] CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?
[3] HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE
CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?
[4] WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN"... BUT IT'S ONLY
A "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS"? WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING
TO?
[5] ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE
CLOTHES YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?
[6] WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?
[7] WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?
[8] HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED
OUT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?
[9] WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY" WHEN
BABIES WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?
[10] IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT, IS IT STILL CALLED A
HEARING?
[11] WHY ARE YOU IN A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE ON TV?
[12] WHY DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO UP TALL BUILDINGS AND THEN PUT
MONEY IN BINOCULARS TO LOOK AT THINGS ON THE GROUND?
[13] WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE?
THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.
[14] WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL?
[15] WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE
TOAST TO A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?
[16] IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A
STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?
[17] CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL
LANE ?
[18] IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO
OUT OF A COCONUT, WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?
[19] WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL
FOURS? THEY'RE BOTH DOGS!
[20] IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME
CRAP, WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?
[21] IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN, AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE
FROM VEGETABLES, WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?
[22] IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME
FROM MORONS?
[23] DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR
HAVE THE SAME TUNE?
[24] WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?
[25] WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN ASTEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE
HEMISPHERE, BUT CALL IT A HEMORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT?
[26] DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE,
HE GETS MAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE, HE
STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?
.............................................................
Fully reveals the shocking truths
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.
.
.
.
.
.
Their is no book made till date that fully understands a women.
Women - Multiple process
Women's brians designed to concentrate multiple task at a time.
Woment can Watch a TV and Talk over phone and cook the new receips.
Men - Single Process
Men's brain designed to concentrate only one work at a time. Men can
not watch a TV and talking in phone same time. He stops the TV while
Talking. He can either watch TV or talk over phone or cook.
ANALYTICAL SKILL
Men's brain has lot of space for handling the analytical process. So
easily he can analyze and find the solution for a process.
He can design (blue print) a map of a building easily.
If a complex map is viewed by women, she can not understand it.
She can not understand the details of the map easily.
For her it is dump of lines in a paper.
CAR DRIVING.
While driving a car, men's analytical spaces are used in his brain. He
can drive a car fastly. if he see an object at long
distance, immediately his brain classifies the object(bus or van or car)
direction and speed of the object and driving accordingly. Where as
women take a long time to recognise the object direction/ speed. His
single process mind stops the audio in the car(if any), then concentrating
only on the driving.
You can offen watch, while men driving the car fastly, the women sit
next to him will shoult, "GO SLOW" , "CARE FULL", "AAHHH", "OHH GOD.." ..etc..
WOMEN ARE THE BEST DRIVERS
LIE
Many times, when men lie to women face to face, they got caught easily.
Her super natural brain observe the facial expression 70%, and the body
language 20% and the words comes from mouth 10%. So he is easily
caught while lieing.
Men's brain does not have this.
Women easily lie to men face to face.
So guys, While lieing to your girls, use phone, or letter or close all the
lights or cover your/her face with blanket.
Don't lie face to face.
PROBLEM.
End of day, if men have lot of problems, his brain clearely classifys the
problems and put into individual rooms of brain, the problems in
individual room of brain and finding the solution one by one. You can see
many guys looking on the sky's for a long times. If you disturb him, he
gets irritated.
End of Day, if women have lot of problems, her brain can not clasify the
problems. she wants some one to hear that. After telling everything to a
person she goes happily to bed. She does not worry abt the problem
solved or not.
LANGUAGE.
Women can easily learn many languages. Her brain set up. But can not
find the solutions to problems Men can not easily learn languages, he
can easily solve the problems.
3 year old gal has three times higher vocabulary than 3 year old boy.
MEN
Men want status, success, solutions, big process… etc
Women want relationship, friends, family...etc…
UNHAPPY
if women are unhappy with their relations, she can not concentrate on
work.
If men are unhappy with their work, he can not concentrae on the
relations.
MAP
Men can easily locate the place in a complex map. His analytical brain
does this. While watching a cricket match in a stadium with full of crowd,
men can leave his seat to T shop and keeps everything in his mind and
comes back to his seat with out problems. He uses his analytical skills
space of brain.
Women can't do this. They offen lost their way to their seat.
LIFE
Life is very easy to Men. One good job, One alcohol bottle is enough
for him.
Women want everything in life.
SPEECH
Women use indirect languages in speech.
Geetha asked Vijay, "vijay do you like to have a cup of cofee?"
This means, Geetha really want a cup of cofee.
In the morning......."do you think, will it be good to have an Omlette for
breakfast"
Men use direct language. "Geetha, I want to have a cup of cofee, Pls stop
the car when you see a cofee shop".
In the morning...." Can you please prepare an omlette for breakfast".
HANDLING EMOTION
Women talk a lot without thinking, if they are in emotion.
Men act a lot with out thinking. Thats why many of prisons are men all
over the world.
Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
***********
Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.
***********
Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a
woman gains her master
***********
Divorce:
Future tense of marriage
***********
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to
the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
***********
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
***********
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he
got the biggest piece.
***********
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.. .
***********
Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.
***********
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees
later on.
***********
Ecstasy:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never
felt before.
***********
Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.
***********
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
***********
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
***********
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
***********
Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
***********
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that
nothing can be done together.
***********
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
***********
Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.
***********
Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
***********
Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually
look forward to the trip.
***********
Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
***********
Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am
not injured yet.
***********
Pessimist:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the
first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
***********
Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
***********
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
***********
Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
***********
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
***********
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
***********
Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
* We got off the Titanic first.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
* We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of
being lost is to ask for directions.
* We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,
and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
* Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like
complete idiots in ours.
* Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
* Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... ( You got the point? ).
* We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
* We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay!
* We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates
are still there.
******
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must
immediately change some or all of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any given time..
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written
consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants
him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know
whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what
she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take
the heat, lacks ackbone, and is a wimp.
16. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
Continue Reading »
Today, tommorow and yesterday there will be .. one heart
that would always beat for you .. You know Whose??? .. your Own Stupid!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The rain makes all things beautiful.. The grass & flowers 2.. If rain
makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
.....the Heart Beat of my Phone
.....is ur Message Tone
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Roses are red, violets are blue
Monkeys like you, are kept in Zoo
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not
-----------------------------------------------------------------
VERY... Cute, Gorgeous, Genious, Goodlooking, Intellegent, One
in Trillions...I think its enuff abt ME,wht abt U....
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[1] Sweeter Sides of Life
Boy Friend is like a chocolate, "Taste good always."
Girl Friend is like Pizza, Hot’ n’Spicy, "Delicious anytime."
Wife is like the refrigerated left overs, "Eaten when no choice."
Husband is like a cooled off Tea in a cup, "Headache on sip."
[2] Better Dead than Alive
A bachelor Man asked his physician, “I Want to live healthy and longer.”
The Doctor advised, “Good thought, Get married.”
The man asked, “Oh you mean the exercise of sex will make me live longer.”
The Doctor said, “No it is the want of sex that will kill your thought.”
[3] An Alien Observation
“A great handshake was observed in two humans of opposite sex
at a wedding ring before a deadly bout of Lifetime.”
[4] Respect to a Dead Union
A husband reminded the wife, “Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary
and I want to start the day with two minute’s in silence.”
[5] Love Kills
Marry with Love or have someone arrange it for you and then love.
What the hell is the difference? Ultimate is the same, "Suicide of
Harakiri or Killing of Guillotine."
[6] Strange Divinity
And God makes such a beautiful, lovely, pleasant, marvelous
creature as woman for man, then suddenly he turns around and
sticks him as wife.
[7] Senseless and Careless
A man before marriage stays awake happily whole night contemplating
about the wordage of lover woman.
Then after marriage he starts snoring faster then loving wife utters
the first word.
[8] Wise Saying
Your money gets transferred faster than lightning When you marry.
[9] For unmarried only
“Happy Independence Day.”
[10] Grass is greener on other side
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order the best dish of your choice from the menu and yet damn
you find your friend’s dish more alluring.
[11] Decent Burial
A just recently divorced, hit hard, badly publicized, rich man received
a telegram.
“Your Ex-wife dead. Advise preference burial or cremation? Funeral
cost you pay.”
The man quickly responded, “Burn the Body high flames and Bury
the Ash deep grounds. I pay all the expenses.”
[12] Wild Fiction
A just engaged man goes in the Library to search books on “The sex
and my woman.”
He asked the female librarian, “Ma’ am, I want the book something
like, “Master of my woman.”
The librarian advised, “Our fiction and fantasy books are in the
basement.”
[13] Promise Keeper
Once a man told then his lover, “Marry me, I would even go to hell
for you.”
The girl trusted the promise and married him.
The Man kept his words, "He is going through the hell of his life for
now his wife."
[14] Never drying tears
A woman brings you in this world with you crying and other one
keeps you alive in this world with you crying.
[15] Law of Double Jeopardy
The Law does not permit a man to marry a second woman.
The Law cannot punish a man twice for the same offence!
Question and the Answer given by Candidates, oh sorry they are
IAS (Indian Administrative Services - THE most difficult examination
in INDIA Candidates are graduate Officers now.
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)
Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 rd Rank Opted for IFS)
Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with
one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 9Cool
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)
Q. What looks like half apple?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper)
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A : It caused a revolution.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33 Rank )
Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and
the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have
enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat
the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve
without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring
a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled
when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some
water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda
silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one
hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden
and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce
and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take
it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He
must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's
place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because
when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked
me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress
for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old
doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really
cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was
really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to
dance.
When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting
out "why me? Why me ?"
Hmmm....It must be his job.
My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me
he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw
it in the garbage.
He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw
this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
----------------------------------------------------------------
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother.
The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents.”
----------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s
locker room.When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the
matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”
----------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting
my time,” she said to her mother.”I can’t read, I can’t write and
they won’t let me talk!”
----------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated,
the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it
was physically impossible.The little girl said, “When I get to heaven
I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.” Just think
how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘that’s Michael. He’s a doctor.’”
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”
----------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red
in the face.”"Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
positions the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”A little fellow
shouted, “Because your feet aren’t empty.”
----------------------------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only
ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all You want. God is watching
the apples!”
----------------------------------------------------------------
A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated
on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses
to clean them.
”Wow, Miss Collins!” one child exclaimed. “You look really different
without your glasses on !”Another child piped up, “I bet she looks
different when she takes her teeth out, too!”
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map
the wrong way.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
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Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file, and that's what they did last year
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A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer
are travelling in an old Fiat 500 when all of the sudden the car
backfires and comes to a halt.
The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with
the valves, or the piston!".
The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a
problem with the spark plugs or the battery!".
The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car,
and get back in again, It might work...".
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2007
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pocketbook.
This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special
announcement at the party.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not
this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will
have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since
the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management
believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating
and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously,
we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own
table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table
too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food.
We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant
cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8 November 2007
RE: The ****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream
when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the Bitch from HELL!
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FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9 November 2007
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday
party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December
off with full pay.
