The Company Christmas Party (Good Humor )
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 November 2007
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pocketbook.
This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special
announcement at the party.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not
this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will
have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since
the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management
believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7 November 2007
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating
and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously,
we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the
end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home
in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own
table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table
too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food.
We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant
cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8 November 2007
RE: The ****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream
when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the Bitch from HELL!
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FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9 November 2007
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday
party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December
off with full pay.
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