July 26, 2009

The Day I Realized That Bradley Cooper Is Probably Gay

Oh, Coop. I have to admit, there’s not much that I know about you. You were pretty funny in Wedding Crashers. I know you did that show Kitchen Confidential. I saw The Hangover and I thought you kinda seemed like a dickhead, but I enjoyed your performance anyway. I think you’re a pretty solid actor, to be honest. But here’s the thing: You’re slipping on your real-life game.

Ya see, a lot of people out there are starting to speculate that you’re pulling a Gyllenhaal. Cute guy, not ready to come out to all of the world, pressured to maintain the “It hottie”-status. It’s understandable. But here’s where Jakey’s got a leg up on you: he picks good beards. Reese, for example: America’s sweetheart, Oscar-winner, A-list all the way and not to mention, quite famously known for being with very straight, very attractive men. If it weren’t for the years of blind items that point directly to his DL-homo lifestyle, no one would suspect a thing.

Bradley, you had the right set up. You’re super hot right now, you’ve got a veritable buffet of ladies to choose from, you’ve been seen out with Jennifer AND Renee, two women I wouldn’t guess you have pull with, to be honest. The picture was painting itself. Ideally you would have put one of these chicks on lock, purchased a home with them in the hills and lived out your gay fantasies privately while all of us were none the wiser. But you blew it.

If ever there was a warning sign that the Hottie of the Moment was likely not hetero, it would be “bringing Denise Richards out of the house in 2009″. Really, for me? That was it. I knew it all had to be a ruse when it was reported that you were seen dining and kinda-sorta canoodling with none-other than the extremely “complicated” ex-Mrs. Charlie Sheen. That may not be enough for everyone, but for me, that’s plenty. Let’s review the facts: You’re very famous right now, she is not. You’ve dated Jennifer Aniston, she’s dated Scott Baio. You star in hit comedies and her most compelling work of late was a post-baby spread in Playboy. How would the two of you even cross paths if you weren’t set up by your management? Or whoever it is that plays Wooly Willy with gay stars and their metaphorical facial hair?

It’s never my intention to put anyone on blast for their sexual preference, but let’s face it: You got sloppy, Coop. You got real sloppy.

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